Found originally at Generative Health.
Written by: Denell Nawrocki, MA

Written by: Denell Nawrocki, MA
​I was never the crazy drunk who blacked out and forgot what the night entailed. Sure in my college years I had some nights (and days) where things got a little out of hand, but I never felt like it was a problem.

As I entered into my late twenties, those wild nights of raging and binging ceased to exist, but alcohol remained present in my life. 

Wine with dinner. Cocktails with friends. Sake at a new restaurant. Buy a bottle of Organic wine to celebrate. Going out to a venue? Gotta try their signature drink. Going to a concert or some event? Sure, let's bring the flask filled with whiskey...because whiskey goes with everything.

There was never a celebration or a gathering without alcohol.
​Getting together with family? Let's drink!

Alcohol coursed through my life like a liquid thread; connecting one event to another, one evening to another. It seemed to be the continuous 'thing' that my life centered around.

​And I began to feel terrible. 

I began to notice how whenever I drank, a portion of myself would emerge that I did not like. I would pick fights with my partner. I would get emotional for no reason. I developed a SERIOUS judgmental mindset. I felt bloated. My liver and kidneys would ache.

I began to notice that I turned to alcohol to 'feel better', 'feel relaxed', to 'feel love'.
​Sexual intimacy laced with alcohol seemingly appeared to be more care-free and wild, yet undoubtedly would crumble into body-disconnection and emotional upheaval.

With every glass of wine and every cocktail, I noticed how my barometer of AUTHENTIC love became more and more skewed.

I had thoughts like, "Am I only in the partnership because we drink together? Is there real love?" or "Why can't I just take care of myself instead of needing a drink?". or "Is it really normal to go to happy hour by yourself just to seek out conversation with others?"

​​My capacity to care is loosely based around my capacity to cease judgment.
Although it is nearly impossible to “not judge at all”, I have noticed in me an ability to not listen to the judgmental voices playing in my head and what comes of that when I do.
 
For example, my partner pulled a muscle in his back causing him to partially debilitated and in great pain. He hobbled around the house attempting to help me with the daily chores and cooking. Finally, the physical pain became so great that he needed to stop altogether and take care of himself.
 
All the while my mind went a little something like this:
“Gosh, look at him. If he only worked out a little more and strengthened himself, this would not have happened.”
“Ugh, now I have to do everything around the house because he is hurt!”
“I think he just wants to get out of helping me.”
“He must not be in THAT much pain because he was able to work all day.”
And on, and on, and on….